Mabangis si kuya.
Archives for June 2011
Natalie Gangsta Rap- Natalie Portman Feat. The Lonely Planet
Chris Parnell: We’re sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman.
Natalie Portman: Hello.
Parnell: So, Natalie, what’s the day in life of Natalie Portman like?
Portman: Do you really want to know?
Parnell: Yes, tell us…
Portman: I don’t sleep motherfucker
Off that yak and Durban
Doin’ 120 gettin’ head while I’m swervin’
Seth Meyers: Damn Natalie you a crazy chick
Portman: Yo shut the fuck up and suck my dick
I busted dudes mouth like gushers motherfucker
Roll up on NBC and smack the shit outta Jeff Zucker
Guys: What you want Natalie
Portman: to drink and fight
Guys: what you need Natalie
Portman: to fuck all night
Don’t test when I’m crazy on that airplane glue
Put my foot down your throat
Till you shit in my shoe
Leave you screaming
Pay for my dry cleaning
Fuck your man
It’s my name that he’s screamin’
Parnell: I’m sorry Natalie, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
Portman: I never said I was a role model.
Parnell: What about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?
Portman: All the kids lookin’ up to me can suck my dick
It’s Portman mother fucker
Drink till I’m sick
Slit your throat
And pour nitrous down the hole
Watch you laugh and cry
While I laugh you die
And all the dudes
You know I’m talkin to you
Guys: we love you Natalie
Portman: I wanna fuck you too
P is for Portman
P is for pussy!
I’ll kill your fuckin dog for fun so don’t push me
Parnell: Well, Natalie I’m surprised. All this from a Harvard graduate.
Portman: Well there’s a lot you may not know about me.
Parnell: Really? Such as?
When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed every day
I cheated every test
And snorted all the yay
I gotta a def posse
And you gotta buncha dudes
I sit right down on your face and take a shit
Andy Samberg: Natalie you are a bad ass bitch (hell yeah! )
And I always pay for your dry cleanin
When my shit gets in your shoe (What! ?)
As for the drug use
Well I can vouch for that
My dick is scared of you
Parnell: Okie-doke. One final question, if you could steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood, who would it–
(Portman throws chair at Parnell)
Portman: No more questions
In my quest to find the bestest chick flicks there are, I came across Overnight Delivery, a Paul Rudd- Reese Witherspoon starrer. It’s about a couple of undergrads who tried to intercept a certain package they sent through, you guessed it, an overnight delivery service.
Wyatt Trips (Paul Rudd) and his girlfriend, Kimberly Jasney (Christine Taylor), are about to go their separate ways after graduating. Wyatt is headed to a university in Minnesota while Kim remained in Memphis, Tennessee, to study at a local university. Did I mention, they never consummated their relationship? The couple vowed to keep their relationship despite the distance.
A phone call led Wyatt into believing Kim cheated on him with a guy named The Ricker. He got wasted at a nearby strip joint with his friends. He met Ivy (Reese Witherspoon), a snarky student who pays her way through college by stripping. After learning his predicament, Ivy helps Wyatt get the ultimate revenge by beating Kim into breaking up with him. They composed a vicious letter, complete with a supposed used condom and a naked picture of Wyatt and Ivy.
The next day, Wyatt finds out that The Ricker is in fact, a dog that Kim dogsits, and now he has no other choice but to prevent the letter from making its way to his girlfriend, with the help of his accomplice, Ivy. In the middle of all the bickering and misadventures, Ivy and Wyatt, quite predictably, fell in love.
Very well played.
Memorable Exchange Between Wyatt and Ivy:
Ivy: Try this! Kim you snotty little pig, I was delighted to learn of your infidelity. Your puritanical attitudes towards sex were just childish and insecure.
Wyatt: Ooh, insecure! Give me something about her weight. She’s one of those five eight, hundred pound girls that always gonna say “I’m fat I’m fat”!
Ivy: Ok! My stomach turned the last time we made out and your gut flapped against me. Those cellulite packed cactuses you call thighs with the razor sharp stubble called to mind a fifth rate porno actress that I once jerked off to during the tenure of our sorry marriage of convenience. Now I can finally tell all my friends how nauseating you are to mate with. Rot in Hell! Trips.
I wasn’t expecting Overnight Delivery to be as awesome as it is because I never heard of this movie before. It’s so fun watching Wyatt and Ivy scramble across the country to retrieve one letter. It’s cute, it’s funny and Paul is soooooo freakin’hot. Also, I loved the collection of songs they used throughout the movie (One Way or Another By Blondie and Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours by Stevie Wonder, to name a few).
If you are looking for a lighthearted flick or just want to revisit the raging 90’s, this movie is the one to watch.
Fuck You (An Ode To No One)- Smashing Pumpkins
I Want You To Want Me- Letters To Cleo