Archives for October 2008

I remember a lady friend of mine saying something about “Mondays having its own surprises” and that just about summed it all up. See, the Weird Dude and I got word that we will be doing a new task that involves more effort than making up shitty video reviews that even a retarded ant can do (which kinda puts Weird Dude in a sorrier light since he uh… is bad at it. Perhaps, he’s bad at everything). I’m happy about the changes. Not challenged at the tasks per se, but it was a welcome change still.

Sure, it takes more effort on my part and the posts are a bit tedious to do because it involves researching, something I haven’t done since I finished writing my thesis four years ago, but I love it mainly because the old task is getting to me. Frankly, after five months of watching mediocre videos and getting used to writing second-rate (nobody’s fault there) short video reviews, I’m just about fucking ready to do anything they ask me just so I can get the hell out of this literary black hole.

Also, it’s a good way to improve my writing skills. I know composing posts with nothing but trash-talking in it ain’t something I should get used to. I just wish they would give me something… daunting as I get bored easily. Except for the unnecessary quota, everything is great so far. I get to stop saying naughty stuff for a sec and write like I’m a pompous car salesman, it’s awesome!

However, I’m hardly challenged.

Although I bore a little hate over my ex-boss, Gringo, I loved the job I used to do for him. Yeah, I did make my friends’ lives harder because I kept bitching about how he sucked, how his sites sucked and how the whole world, in general, sucked back then but I guess I just missed the days where I’m always on my toes, y’know? Like, how I would obsess over my write-ups, I had to check my work every three fucking seconds because I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was bound to go wrong, going totally apeshit over idiotic rednecks from the forums, multi-tasking and actually being good at it. I miss that.

Sitting in this hell hole, wading though files after files of write-ups about casinos all over Vegas, putting up with people’s incompetence, bullshit and sheer stupidity… it’s just too taxing. Sometimes I feel like I wanna burn this whole building down to the ground, out of frustrations, I guess.

I got into thinking last night, okay it was mostly me, quizzing myself on what my long term plan was. Being totally sucky at talking about adult stuff, I chose to not answer… myself. Heeheeheee. Also, it just dawned on me that March is just around the corner. I’ll be 26 soon.

It’s official, I wasted my youth.

Dammit. I distinctively remember reading something on the Peanuts comics about how you should take care of your knees because when you grow old, your knees are the first to go. Wala lang, it just sort of sprang into my mind. Man, I never thought I’d grow old… or up, for that matter. Fucking scares the living daylight outta me.

On an entirely different subject, I’ve acquired a fondness for the series, Dexter. I just love this series and I couldn’t believe it took me a long time before I actually watched the damned DVD I had back home. It was gathering dust bunnies and cobwebs! Basically it’s about the story of a serial killer who preys on serial killers. Inner struggles of a mass murderer, blood splatters, dismembered bodies and all that shebang. I’m a wee bit squeamish with the whole blood thing but that’s alright. The actor is so my type. Kinda manly in a scary will-fuck-yer-shit-up kinda way.

Heh, maybe I really do have a thing for bad boys.

I’ve been sick for the couple of days. I get nauseous in the morning and basically spends the rest of the night throwing up and tossing, turning on my bed. I was worried sick. All I could think about was CANCER AT 25, CANCER AT 25, CANCER AT 25!!! I know, I know. I can’t help it. If you’ve been throwing up stuff with wispy traces of blood in it, you’d think of the same thing.

I dunno which is worse, driving myself to the wall worrying or feeling generally sick. Paranoid fuckwit that I am, I resolved to haul my ass to the hospital and have a little consultation with the doctor as soon as I recover. Yesterday, I was supposed to have my check up but I was still feeling a teensy-bit sick so I decided to do it the day after and just went home to rest.

My landlady saw me coming in and told me that her son is gonna celebrate his birthday and sent word that he wanted to invite us in. Fast-forward 8 PM that evening, I was idly eating my share of Chicken Cordon Bleu at the party and I was approached by the land lady. She asked me why I went home early. I told her that I was having a mysterious ailment and was in no shape to work. Upon hearing this, she motioned for a guy sitting across the room to come near, introduced us to that guy, told him of my troubles and surprise of all surprises, he turns out to be a doctor specializing in Internal Medicine, what are the odds, right?

To make the long story short, I got a free consultation and he listed down a few meds that I needed to take. Initially, I thought it might be Anemia or Low Blood Pressure but turns out it was good ol’ Gastritis. So there. I was relieved because not only did that encounter saved me some dough, it also gave me peace of mind as well as saving me the trouble of heading to a hospital, something I’m not looking forward on doing. I’m so freakin’ glad I decided to attend that party!

Though I’m far from being completely healed, I’ve recovered. Some sort of.

Weird Dude: This api mashup could not be considered just another idiotic video! Oh my golly! I was awesomized by it! These DJ compilations are a great story surrounding the Super Ultra Ninja with his powerful cookies together with the Soul Taker who happened to have more magical powers than him! Amusing yet friggingly grand VIDEO! Oh, my entrails just got busted!

Tina: You know what I found hilarious in this video mashup? Not the mash up itself but the commenter who came up with the word “Awesomized”

Personally, I was not “awesomized” bu this video mashup because the shittyass plot combined with shittyass animation are hardly awesome by my standards. I will say that what got me “awesomized” is the fact that somebody actually found this mash up awesome enough to actually make up a new word to describe it. Now that, my dear fellow, is what “awesomized” this humble audience enough that not only did yours truly’s entrails blew straight up the goddamn stratosphere, it also made my fucking central nervous system caught fire. “Awesomized” yet?

*Oo, inedit ko. Apparently, I’m not as perfect as I think I am, hihihihihiih*

The new office is much more awesomer that I first thought. It’s almost too perfect now! Thing was, they made a new policy and it’s just blew my mind away! The new policy states that as long as the tasks are over and done, you can go home. Just. Like. That!

So basically, it doesn’t matter if you are to stay for an hour or two just as long as you finish your tasks and then you are free to go! This is the first time that I worked in a company with radical policies such as this and it’s pure awesomeness!!! *crocodile tears*

So far I get to go to the office at 9 in the morning and go home at three in the afternoon, a schedule I’m lovin’. Although I can finish my work in an hour or so, I don’t think I’m gonna do the 1 hour touch and go thing because I don’t want to get used to that kind of schiz (because they might wisen up on us and junk the policy in the near future). So yeah, everything in the workplace rocks!

In other news, I discovered that That Boy got back from his Ex.

Tina… Shock!

It’s a shame, you know, because I was wishing Rhae was wrong about him. She said something about him just looking for something to fall back on after he and his girl parted ways. I knew at the back of my mind that it is possible for him to go back from the girlfriend. After all, he probably didn’t expect that he would end up alone in the process and I don’t really expect him to hang around waiting for me either. However, I refused to believe that he is that weak of a person but lo and behold, Rhae and my instinct were right on the moneh.

No hard feeling though, if anything I was relieved. God knows I will never forgive him if he and I continued dating only to find out he still has a thing for his Ex. See, not too long ago I was toying with the idea of talking to him in person to iron out things between us but somehow I didn’t feel the need to talk to him about it until recently. The good news is that all is well, at least on my end. He still had the whole “I wish I was given a chance to explain myself” posted on his stat message after I talked to him on IM. *eyes rolling* I feel bad for the girl though because she took that guy back. Tsktsk.

On special report (special because this is the only time I felt like writing about it), I dodged a chance to talk to certain person. You know who you are. I did it not out of anger (because at this point I got over it) but because I don’t want to deal with the drama. At least not now when I’m all zen and whatever.

It’s funny actually, because for some weird reason I’m still a bit clueless on the reason why he was pissed at me to begin with. I mean, I have an idea but I’m still not sure. A friend pointed out that maybe it’s because I “undermined” his generosity. Part of me thinks so too but another part of me is somewhat dismayed because I believe he knew better.

Instead of talking to me about the problem like any normal person would, he chose the wrongest moment to patronize. You know, I never knew he could be really, really condescending because I’ve seen him when he’s drunk or whatever and he never showed any indication of being that person but turns out he can when he’s pissed. I sincerely felt, at that moment, that he wanted me to grovel for a piece of information just because he’s angry at me. That’s what offended me the most. Sure, I get pissed. A lot. Hell, it’s my second nature. I get pissed about every Goddamned thing. But the thing is I don’t toy around with the subject of my scorn just because it makes me feel better and/or because I want that person to know that Hell yes, I’m pissed at you.

You should’ve at least tried to aside your issues towards me when we are discussing a serious matter that involves other people too. I mean come on, that site isn’t mine, it won’t kill me if it goes down but other people’s posts would, you know I had no clue on how to pay it and when I asked for directions on how you acted like a total asshole. You know it too.

I admit that I don’t say sorry as often as I should (mainly because I always think I’m right even when I’m not) but I was never a fan of apologizing just to preserve the peace, you know? I dimly recall that he and I talked a bit about this and I believe we were on the same page. One should acknowledge the errors of his ways, have a good talk about it and move on, that’s what I think. I just hope the gravity of whatever it is I did wrong could justify for the way you acted.

The good thing is that, this little incident was an eye-opener. It made me realize that I let others meddle with my affairs constantly that I depend on them way too much. Well, I ain’t having none of that. I’m glad to report that I am now… semi-independent (insert fireworks here)

After going on a little retail therapy yesterday (I was inspired by Neil Gaiman’s newly released novel, The Graveyard Book) I took time off to watch the news. Growing up, I was exposed to listening to early morning news shows on the radio and watching late night news programs rather than watching cartoons and entertainment shows so being out of the loop in a while made me a bit curious at how things are going. (I knew there’s something seriously rotten in Denmark as soon as I read that Cosmo Girl is over and done because of the economy, heeeheee!)

The word “Worldwide Economic Meltdown” was being tossed around every three nano-seconds and pretty much the only thing that was being talked about on 24 Oras last night. Turns out, The Great Depression II is upon Uncle Sam and that ain’t good for everyone else. Being in the biz that solely depends on clients from the U.S. and Europe, I was also understandably worried. You know you’re starting to get old when you start worrying about the economy, no? Damn.

So far, OFWs are already feeling the heat. More and more Flips are coming back home as every John Doe started tightening their pompous belt. Ah… the signs of things to come! I was a victim of the economic meltdown when my writing gig folded due to the “poor economy” last September. I was panic-stricken because… I’m a money-grabbing bitch, what can I say? Major Suckage on my part.

There was also a funny little news where the reporter happily quipped that “the Philippine Economy was doing far better than that of the U.S. (insert straight-face here)”

EEEEEEEeeeehhh?! Exactly how much did I miss? Seriously, what the fucking hell is going on? Hearing this felt like I was stuck in a parallel universe.

I know I’ll sound like a Goddamned prick and I should be happy that after decades and decades and decades of economic instability, Good ol’ Flip country is finally getting a break but unfortunately, that failed to make me feel better simply because that’s total bullshit.

You know Financial Doomsday is just around the corner the day that the word “Good Economy” is used along with “Philippines” in one sentence. Not to be a wet blanket but with a track record such as ours, I very much doubt that we’d ever make any impact on the worldwide economy so I find it hilariously ambitious of us to have the gall to compare our economic standing with that of the U.S.

I could almost feel Japan laughing their kimono-clad asses off with that bit of trivia.

Not content with spewing illusions of grandeur, there was another news I saw where it blatantly reports that we owe our great economic performance to the fact that “Mahilig kasing mangutang ang mga Pinoy.”

You read it right folks.

They said that “Dahil sa likas na mahilig mangutang ang mga Pilipino, naging positibo ang resulta sa ating ekonomiya ng ganong mentalidad”

I almost choked out my own kidneys when I heard all of these… retarded remarks. One would think that astoundingly stoopid brain farts such as this would never hit national TV but you’d be surprised. With batshit crazy crackheads at our disposal it’s no wonder we’re still stuck in this massive cloud of retarded economic haze. I’m fine with being an optimist but I draw the line at being delusional.

We always do this, no? Thinking we’re better than everyone else just because we got a little break from the sorrounding bullshit that seems to be pestering other countries. Why do we always feel the compusion to smoke up our own asses? As if that’s gonna change things. Ika nga, anlakas ng ating fighting spirit. Kaso wala sa lugar, mga putangina nyong bobo!!!

Thankfully, a certain dismayed analyst shot down this ridiculous claim to oblivion by saying:

“Wag naman tayung mag-isip ng paurong. Walang kinalaman ang hilig ng Pinoy na mangutang sa lakas ng ekonomiya natin.”

There is yet hope. But still, what the fuck?

It is not a surprise that I struggled long and hard with my temper. I keep my temper in check the moment I wake up until the time I close my eyes at night. I find it difficult to articulate what is exactly wrong with me. This anger. The feeling of wading through oceans and oceans of conflicting emotions every god-forsaken day really took its toll on me.

It’s why I feel that it was unfortunate that I’m born a girl as it made me all the more prone to outbursts. I am resigned to the fact that I am beyond understanding. That I will be forever a puzzle, even to me. A friend once told me that I shouldn’t pick fights with my friends knowing that there’s so few of them, I could not possibly afford to lose one. I feel the same way though I couldn’t do anything much because of my failure to control my temper. I can’t seem to let it go and I almost always end up lashing out at the wrong people. It has become a cycle, a sick, sick, tiring and sad cycle. I can feel that when people talk to me, it’s like they’re walking on a Goddamned land mine. It’s one of those moments when I feel really sorry for being this person.

I was thunder-struck with a realization a few days ago. Personally, it’s hard to apologize. I’ve been doing it recently and it’s certainly no picnic. More so if you sincerely feel like you didn’t do anything wrong in the first place and yet, you apologize for whatever reason. Recent events however, got me springing into action. I guess it took me this much time to think things over and actually start doing something about the problem. It’s humbling but it’s great, like a damn cloud just lifted.

I am, however, not ready to talk. But I’m making progress. Hell, I must be since I can now write about it. At this point I can say that I’m genuinely okay. There were moments when I’d get so angry because I felt really bad that nobody even bothered to ask me if I’m okay, that people around me just seems to be there out of obligation, that I never took time to really get to know and understand people that surrounds me, that even though I’ve hung-out with a number of people every waking hour, ultimately I’ve never been more alone but now I’m cool with it. I’ve been way too ignorant, much too engrossed with my own selfishness to really see the bigger picture. It is, after all, nobody’s responsibility to make me happy. I think I now have a clearer understanding of what to expect from people. Because there’s not much to expect (ZING)

Today will be the day that the bullshit ends. (insert resounding “FUCK YOU!” herre)

This does not guarantee that 1) I’ll be nicer and 2) that I’m completely loving life. It just means that 1) I’m okay and coping and 2) I’ll fix it. Word.

On a totally different subject, I hate being busy as much as I hate being idle. I know, it’s a bad case of “Sala sa init, sala sa lamig” kind of thing but I guess being a lazy laid-back person has it’s own drawbacks. Seeing that things are looking up, it’s hilarious to think that only recently I was neck-deep in sentimental bullshit. Come to think of it, most of the cause of of my problem has something to do with stress. Maybe all I need is some MEH time, hahahaha!