Archives for November 2007

Ilang malalagkit na hair products later, fly-away pa din ang bangs

Di pa nagsisimula ang araw mo, amoy baktol ka na dahil sa init ng 8:00 AM

Pag nalaman mong mali pala sinakyan mong FX matapos kang nag-antay ng 35 years

Pag-nagulangan sa FX (either naunahan sa pila or nakotongan ni Manong driver)

Sobrang traffic sa Ugong. Mas mabilis kung lalakarin papuntang office pero you’re like, so tamad

Pag-nadikit ang braso sa malagkit na braso ng isang estranghero

Pag halos makain mo na ang mahabang buhok ng putanginang katabi mo sa lakas ng hangin

Pag-umuulan tapos nabasa ang dulo ng pantalon mo papuntang office

Pag dating sa office nakita mong nauna pa sayu ang boss mo

Nawala ang uma-umagang ritual ng pagyoyosi dahil nauahan ka ng boss mo.

Pag upo sa desk, nadatnan mong bukas PC mo pero nag shut-down ka naman bago umalis kahapon tapos paglingon mo sa boss mo, naka-ngiting aso ang putangina.

Habang nagco-concentrate sa trabaho biglang magha-hang ang PC mong bulok.

10 AM pa lang naka-apat na re-start ka na ng PC, whee.

Biglang magfli-flicker ang ilaw ng monitor, parang Christmas lights… kukuting-tingin ang CPU as if naman alam ayusin

Bigla kang kakanta, di mo alam na malakas pala boses mo tapos nagkamali ka sa lyrics or biglang di kinaya ng vocal cords mo ang birit ni Freddie Mercury.

Titingin sa kamunduhan ng Porno, iisip ng isusulat. Wala nang maisip na synonym sa word na schlong.

Ang internet connection parang dial-up lang ang bagal.

I-scan ang sariling blog, madi-dismaya dahil nakitang andaming typos di man lang napansin.

Kala mo na-master mo na ang WorpPress tapos biglang dumugo ang ilong mo matapos mong i-scan ang HTML codes.

Pag tinatanung bakit mainit ang ulo mo

Word.

I have been turning down one offer to do porn reviews after another ever since I worked here (Not telling exactly where “here” is). Y’know, I have nothing against Porn. Don’t get me wrong, occasionally I do watch smut (WebDate days) but now I only watch porn when my job requires it (which is not often) Ayuh, I’ve seen my fair share of smut but that’s about it. Frankly, I’m neither repulsed nor turned-on by smut if that’s what you’re getting at, you dirty boy. I usually turn those offers down not because I’m a tight-assed prude but because it takes a lot of skills to make a decent porn rev. Skills that unfortunately, I gotz none.

Believe it or not, I’ve always known that I somewhat suck at writing. .

See, I was a porn review writer once, got fired because I pretty much sucked at it, went home to re-evaluate my career choices, licked my wounds *sniff, sniff* then got hired again by another account. The funny part was that it was the first writing gig I ever had and I got burned real bad, paare. Now, most people would say, “So you got burned once, big deal. Give it another go!” Unlike some people I know, who relentlessly brags about being a bona-fhayd “porn writer” and would love to talk about it every chance he/she gets, that’s not how I roll.

And let’s not forget the bottom line: Porn and I, we don’t mesh well.

Anyway, a good friend came knocking on my door and asked me if I want to give porn another try. My initial reaction was to immediately say “No” but he and I go way back and I’m somewhat reluctant to really say no to him cuz he’s such a teddy bear (… and persistent and stubborn and has a way of making Porn sound like Utopia, a land of plenty where even very air we breathe smells like monies. Lots and lots of monies…. I love monies… MMmmmMm….) That, plus, he and I are currently working on a project that involves me, my frustrations over work and comics. I’ll post the fruit of our labor as soon as he’s done with it, yo! Well come to think of it, I do need to find other means to fund my vices…

Damn. What’s a girl to do?

Quite unexpectedly, I had a very in-teh-resting day yesterday. See, I suddenly felt the need to broaden my horizon by checking out what other opportunities are there for me. I soon discovered how much my present company spoiled me rotten.

I scored an interview somewhere in the Maka-tay area, what fun, right? Well, I was running a bit late for my first job interview in almost 2 years. As soon as I arrived, I noticed that I wasn’t nervous at all.

You see kids, Interviews usually makes me jittery cuz there’s a high probability that I’d make a total fool out of myself but how curious it is that not a smidgen of nervousness rattled my cold black heart. Hmmm… something’s up.

So when I finally went up to this company, I immediately noticed how cramped the prod area was. Everything was new by the way, the pcs, the wall paper (a stark combination of Blue and White, hatez itz) It’s too quiet, considering that it’s already 5 in the afternoon and horrors of horrors, there’s no yosi area (Damn, you Iweb! You ruined me!!!!!)

The in-teh-resting part was not the place but the interview itself. After quickly deciding that I hate the place, I must do everything in my power NOT to get hired. The interview lasted for 30 minutes (methinks) and wala akong ginawa kundi mag-kupal. Mind you, My goal was to sound like a polite ass. Now, you might think I exaggerated a little with my answers, but lemme tell you something: I never exaggerate. Weird lang talaga ang mga tanong. I mean, I don’t know if it really has been this long that nag-iba na ang mga usual na questions sa interviews but I don’t really recall being asked about menstrual cramps and shit like that in my previous interviews before.

Why did you write: “I’d like to think I’m healthy” on the form?
Tina: Cuz I haven’t had med check-up for like, years and years and years. As far as I’m concerened, I’m healthy.

Do you suffer from menstrual cramps?
Tina: I’m sorry?

Y’know, when it’s that time of the month when…
Tina: Uh… sometimes?

How do you deal with it?
Tina: Oh I don’t know. I ignore the pain?

Good. How about migraine?
Tina: Well yes. There was this time when I worked for *******

What triggers your migraine?
Tina: Uhhh… I don’t know. But I heard that coffee and chocolates are the usual culprits.

How did you deal with it?
Tina: Went home and popped a sleeping pill.

Ulcer?
Tina: I do have gastritis…

How severe is it?
Tina: Well, not really a big cause of concern.

Why did you decide to leave your old company?
Tina: I haven’t really left. I’m just out here to test the water. Honestly, I have nothing bad to say about the people I work with. If anything, I’m inlove with my company. It’s just that I want more money. And a promotion.

You never got promoted?
Tina: I did. The thing was I got promoted but my salary wasn’t adjusted because of a loophole in the system. We work in different accounts, that sort of thing. It’s kind of complicated to explain. But just the same, I want another promotion. No point going around in circles, don’t you agree?

Yes, so… how much do you make?
Tina ********* (snicker, snicker) net.

Such big leap from earning only this much to expect this much salary range?
Tina: Yes it is, yes it is… because I’m ambitious.

Nothing wrong with that. (subtly hid her face using my resume) Is this negotiable?
Tina: Uhh… no.

Oh, non-negotiable?
Tina: Well see, the form says I should put my minimum expected salary range. That’s my minimum expected salary range.

We work 6 days a week. We don’t observe Halloween and Semana Santa. Plus you can’t have your day off on a weekend
Tina: Huh. (Waw, parang Mercury Drugs lang pala dito eh)

Are you okay with that? But even if we do have work on holidays we get paid for it. What about in your company, do you work 6 days a week?
Tina: (mentally screamed: Are you freakin’ retarded? Just because you guys work 6 days a week doesn’t mean every goddamned company in this side of the world does the same! I hatez youz! I hatez youz! I hatez youz! ) Huh. Well, no. We only work 5 days a week. Frankly, the whole 6 days a week thing doesn’t sit well with me since I do visit my parents once or twice a month.

Ah so, your off is on weekends?
Tina: Uh… yeah?

You only get the “privilege” of two days off if you become a regular employee here.
Tina: Huh.

*The End*

Off to the prod area I went. Slaved away on a series of tests for three hours. I sat for three long hours and it dawned on me that nobody and I mean, nobody was talking to each other at all. It was around 7 in the evening and nobody was speaking to each other. Not even Satan himself can get a rise from these guys! Nobody went down for a smoke or bought snacks, nobody was taking their eyes off their monitors and the last straw? Internet was not required.

I suddenly missed my opti-mouse.